Captain Mama

Runway Houses City Clouds

2012-01-09T23:24:00.000-08:00

I have a ‘creative’ job involving writing, photography, and minor video projects- and while immensely satisfying and fairly inspiring, the work is rather narrow in scope. I’ve noticed a trend recently, in that at the end of what is usually an intense deadline cycle, I am overcome by this surge- a counterbalance- this need to dig into my own creative coffers- the ideas piling up in the back of my mind- and produce my own work, just for the fun of it. Stories about nothing and everything flow, and photo subjects are more thoughtfully considered. Ever more dances are choreographed in my mind (though these are not as readily brought to fruition), and it is not uncommon for some portion of my, or someone else’s, home to receive an overhaul. My cooking and baking gets a bit more experimental, and I’ve got spare ideas for friends and loved ones, too- box sets and podcasts and books to be made- to name a few of the latest spontaneous endeavors and inspirations. These flurries usually add up to trail of little looks, but I hope this is a warm up of sorts, eventually leading to accomplishing some of the bigger projects that have been tucked away, evolving over time in the back of my mind.

It would seem, after all this talk, that I would have a really impressive THING to present, but I just took a little time away in my head tonight to make a tiny little scene I’ve wanted to capture for a couple of months. It’s certainly no big deal, but it’s impressive to me that I actually made it happen. That something inspired me, and I actually produced a piece of ‘work’ from that inspiration, instead of letting it continue to rattle around in my head for all eternity. Just keep making things. Little, big, personal or public, just make. Take a break and make! It probably only means something to me, but maybe you’ll like it, too.

Last autumn, on a flight home from Texas, I was in that unique headspace I get into when I leave. I get twisted up and sentimental in the act of leaving- leaving a friend’s house after dinner or leaving a town I just happened to vacation in, with no conceivable emotional attachments- it’s there, just a hint of that feeling, no matter what. When I leave a place I happen to be really attached to, or folks I happen to be really attached to, or both, I’m a grand wreck. So, I hopped on a plane to leave Texas- a place I have very mixed emotions about, after probably one of the most positively epic journeys of my life so far- and settled into staring out the window. I’m a pensive girl, so this was default behavior for me, but in this particular instance, it was a desperate attempt to divert the spectacle of the breaking of the dam. To further aid distraction, I put in my headphones and pressed ‘shuffle’.

Rising up out of Austin at dusk, we came over seemingly endless clouds, most of which were sparking with lightning. I was transfixed; it’s one of my favorite sights, so rarely seen. In a moment that forever confirmed my suspicions that my iPod is eerily extra-intuitive, Runway Houses City Clouds by Tame Impala began to play. “But don't remind me of home, there's everywhere I'd rather go. It's true that some things have to change. And don't remind me of home, or I might notice where I am. It's true that some things have to change. I know some things have to change. I’m gazing out the window, as I ascend into the sky, but I'm the one who's left behind. There is nothing that is safe. I know some things have to change. Yeah, I do. But don't remind me of home, in case it isn't quite the same.” In that moment, I wasn't sure whether ‘home’ was California or Texas- maybe I'm still not sure.

I somehow had the presence of mind to remember the camera I had been lugging all over the state but had neglected to put to any good use, and I just sat with the music and the lightning and filmed until we were long past the cloud cover and all was black. My heart felt lighter, and my head felt clearer. It was just one tiny moment in time, this is a tiny moment in my story; this video is just a tiny portion of what was captured. This is a way of collecting moments.

2011-12-14T12:42:00.001-08:00

Today, while observing a student working in one of the classrooms, she looked up and upon seeing me smiled and said, "I was wondering, what is that light shining over me, and it was YOU!" My heart!

Thanksgiving is every day.

2011-12-01T16:21:00.000-08:00

Today, I am thankful that even though some friendships have ended quite roughly, the ending, for me, has not colored the years of amazing experiences we had together. Looking back, it all still looks and feels beautiful and fun, as it truly was, before it all went terribly, terribly wrong.

Old pictures still bring a smile or a laugh, though they are tinged with a bit of bittersweet. I am thankful to not have a blanket emotional reaction based in hurt or confusion that pretends nothing was ever good, because it was- up to a point. That would be a lie, and I don’t want to carry a lie in my heart.

Gina & Jessica

2011-11-06T11:40:00.000-08:00

The first photos are starting to come in, after re-connecting with some long lost stepfamily a few weeks ago.

It’s been a pretty emotional and exhilarating journey thus far- to have this part of my past unexpectedly open up. After my Texas Odyssey, I was riding high on past friendships and love that had splendidly and beautifully withstood time, space, and neglect- so this is like the icing on the cake. Or the crust on the pie, in my case, as I am not too much a fan of cake.

This cousin, Gina, has offered all of my Mammaw’s photo albums to me. This is a teaser.

I often think of fire.

2011-11-01T22:50:00.001-07:00

I have had a lifelong obsession with fire. Not in the way the you might imagine- I am not a pyromaniac.
Rather, I am often overcome by the feeling that I might burst into flames. Driving down the road, I will suddenly imagine my car being spontaneoulsy consumed by fire; when I am running really hot, I sometimes fear that I will literally burn up. I do run really hot- I overheat very easily, turn bright red with heart racing and skin swelling. I often feel my blood is actually boiling. I can avoid this to some extent by staying out of the heat and sun, by keeping calm..

*****
This is draft, from ages ago, that I never knew how to finish, or rather, I couldn't complete the thought. But, I think I might have just figured it out- this heat thing and me. I've had an epic few weeks, starting with a trip home to Texas, surprisingly, and throughout these weeks I have been randomly overcome by these feelings. Tonight, after a very intense and heartfelt correspondence with some long lost family (which is only one portion of the overall epicness)- and finally sitting down to share the important emotional bits of this epic journey with Dana- I recognize what is burning up inside me, and it is love. It is love, and enthusiasm, and joy.

What Would the Title Be?

2011-10-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

I have often considered over the past year taking on the task of writing a book.

I desire to compile all of my thoughts, writings, and correspondance from the one of the most traumatic years of my adult life.
How DO people feel about having their letters published? The sheer volume of thoughts worked out on paper throughout this year has been astounding.

I received this from a dear friend recently, and it would most definitely make the cut:
"I am amazed by your endurance and grace."

I need to see myself through others' eyes every so often. It helps me keep things in perspective.
How would pulling it all together- the good, the bad, and the ugly- help me, or others?

Can't Hold Back the Flow

2011-10-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

The universe is wide open right now, as is my heart- and it must be written all over my face. After starting the week off by visiting my own history, I've had two families in as many days pour out their own personal histories to me in the context of what should have just been a standard interview: tales of intensely joyous first love, Olympic feats, and soul searching travels. Now I get the privilege of telling their stories to the community, and I'm in just the space to do them justice, I believe.

Texarkana

2011-10-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

My heart is opened in new ways. Old ways, new. I spent a weekend home, and caught a glimpse of my young heart there. Who I was, who my friends were, all the wonderful, fulfilling parts- and forgot about the domineering horror that has for so long blocked the beauty. I saw how many people I really loved then, and who I was to them, though I had accidentally put them out of mind. I felt their love right back. Texarkana is a bummer of a town, but there were so many good experiences.

I feel like my whole self today. I’ve felt I’ve had two lives- the then and the now- and this trip has allowed me to see them as one for the first time. It’s indescribable.

A Story on Each Arm

2011-09-15T11:29:00.001-07:00

I will never, ever get a tattoo.

But if I did, I think I would script a story over each scar.

On the left forearm, 'Klipsch speaker, saved, 2011', and on the right wrist, 'Gus Grissom, 2005'. And on the left forearm, again, 'Blood brothers, JSL, 1991'.

On my right knee cap, 'Highland Park Baptist Church parking lot, skateboarding in my finest green taffeta and velvet Easter dress, 1981', and just below it on the shin, 'First shave, Wood Street, 1985'.

On the top of my left foot, near my middle toes, 'Dave & Brenda's pool with Dave & Brandon, scraped the bottom after a dive, Summer, 1991', and near the top of my left breast, 'One of five chicken pox that I scratched, Fall, 1983'.

And so on....

I would write it ink and quill style, though in not too fancy of a script. Except that I won't write it at all. I love an uninterrupted landscape, and skin is no exception.

Just Call Me Chester

2011-09-15T11:27:00.001-07:00

Out here in California, I run into a fair amount of people who change their names. It's usually into something a bit more frilly or new age-y than the original. Some of you are in the know that even I did it, from Jessica to Ski, legally- but it wasn't supposed to be some hippy dippy thing; I was on the lam, and it was a sort of evolution of a chopped nickname.

It's like a bug that keeps biting me. Every few years I get the wild notion of changing my name again. I'm always completely serious about it- but the names are never serious, not at all. Well, one name is less of a joke than others: Dorothy. This little alias came about in my early 20's, when I was going though an insatiable early 20th century literary phase (a coincidence I've only just now realized). I wore my hair in a 20's (the decade) bob, and one evening when some drunken yahoo tried to cozy up to me at the bar and asked my name, I told him Dorothy, as in, Dorothy Parker. You see, I have this thing about people saying my name. It rubs me all kinds of the wrong way when someone I am not on intimate terms with says my name. Those sales type people who try to personalize and add your name to the end of every sentence? I am overcome with the urge to go so far as to behead them, it irks me THAT MUCH. It's like it's my most personal, precious thing, and you have to earn the privelege of speaking my name- I honestly feel that way about it. To this day, if a stranger asks my name, I tell them it's Dorothy.

So back to the jokes. I think the first time I got really excited about changing my name again was in my mid twenties, to Dolly. That sweet little bud of a name came engraved on a bowling ball I picked up at a thrift store, and the joke was that it was my bowling persona- I even had the gingham shirt to match. The really weird thing is that ten years later, an exceptionally sweet and loving new child at my school was convinced upon meeting me that my name was Dolly. I heard about it second hand, through a teacher who could not figure out who she was referring to in a story she told in class one day. The mystery was solved when I came in later and she said, "Hi, Dolly!" She continued to accidentally call me that, even after she knew my name, for about a year.

At thirty, I became obsessed with Dusty. I thought it to be a hilarious name for a girl, but didn't think I could pull it off as a brunette. It's a blonde name, for sure, and might possibly involve a 70's muscle car that I don't have. By my mid thirties, coinciding with a reconnection to my true home, I was absolutely convinced that Texarkana was the funniest name ever, and that it would be the biggest laugh if folks would call me 'Tex'. To be honest, I swiped the idea from a conversation I had with a girl I met from Houston, who told the story of a girl named either Texas or Houston, I can't remember now. I am actually still convinced that it might be the best name ever, and have managed to collect a few folks that humor me, and do, indeed, call me Tex on occasion.

Fast forward to this very morning, a little shy of the half decade name change itch. In reading about Eudora Welty's southern gardens, I came to know that her mother's name was Chestina. Chestina!! That is brilliantly awesome! And so, at this very moment in time, I desperately want my name to be, not Chestina, but Chester. Wouldn't that be the most fun?! Just use your imagination for a moment, and think about how much we would laugh every time we said hello if you called me Chester. So close to Chesty, an old joke of a nickname, but my many nicknames are a whole different story for another time.

I'm quite sure there have been other name obsessions, but these are the most prominent in my mind.
I think the most important information coming out of this note is that its probably a very good thing that I did not give birth to a girl.

Whoa there, Bessie!

2011-03-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

I've had a crazy two weeks!

Closed on dream home, got keys, restored new home in one week, moved old home the next. Night after night and day after day of pulling up carpet, scraping off wallpaper, painting, and lifting box after box after box after box. It was bliss, actually- all for my new home that I love.

But in the interest of full disclosure, I'm sort of crashing this week. I look like I've been in a fight- my legs are full of bruises, I have a giant swollen, throbbing gash on my left arm where I stopped a large, heavy vintage Klipsch speaker from crashing to the ground off the moving platform, and my back finally did actually give out the day after all the moving was done (thanks for waiting!). I can't get up or down in any other way than 98 year old man style, and it hurts every inch of the way. Despite my new, deliciously comfortable bed, I am not sleeping. I have two cats that usually spend all night outside that are quarantined indefinitely so they don't get lost. They spend each night pacing and screaming at me, clawing at the furniture, keeping me up. This morning at 4am, when I could stand it no longer and took to chasing them away from my precious, previously un-clawed sofa, I stepped right into a fresh pile of dog shit. I just want to reiterate: 4AM DOGSHIT ON MY BARE FOOT. At the new place, I take the dog out to the yard hourly, with the most delicious of special treats lined up, in hopes he'll poop and pee, only to have him NOT shit outside, and shit on my kitchen floor instead - in the middle of the night. Just another lovely installment following the mess to end all messes on our first full day in our new home- after rushing to SF and back (3 hrs!) to take Dana to SFO--> India (oh yeah, Dana's in India- that, too), I came home to a most giant puddle of pee in the hall, leading to two giant shits in the office, leading to the biggest deepest puddle of diarrhea I have ever seen, and finally, a huge barf ALL OVER JACK'S NEW BED/LINENS (poor Charlie, seriously). It took me forever to clean it all up, why?, because it made me barf, too. It's bad timing and calamities, one after another, and I just haven't had enough rest to DEAL. Though, I AM dealing, because, well I am incapable of NOT dealing.

I'm beyond tired, I'm in constant pain, I'm feeling sort of out of my mind.
But I really, really love my new house.

Madrigal Written in Winter- Pablo Neruda

2011-02-12T17:40:00.001-08:00

In the depths of the deep sea,
in the night of long lists,
like a horse your silent
silent name runs past.

Lodge me at your back, oh shelter me,
appear to me in your mirror, suddenly,
upon the solitary, nocturnal pane,
sprouting from the dark behind you.

Flower of sweet total light,
bring to my call your mouth of kisses,
violent from separations,
resolute and delicate mouth.

Now then, in the long run,
from oblivion to oblivion the rails
reside with me, the cry of the rain:
what the dark night preserves.

Welcome me in the threadlike evening,
when at dusk it works upon
it’s wardrobe and in the sky a star
twinkles filled with wind.

Bring your substance deep down to me,
heavily, covering my eyes,
let your existence cut across me, supposing
that my heart is destroyed.

No Hands, all feet and hips.

2011-01-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

Dancing at No Hands? My seventeen year old self is in ecstasy! I must’ve walked across/swum under this bridge every other day at that age. My thirty seven year old self would take the time to enjoy this as often as possible, as well- I wish this dance floor could exist again.

Thanks dear Jason Adair for sending this to me!

Sonic Boom

2011-01-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

Throughout my childhood, I spent my summers in Redwater, TX, with my mammaw. The very, very small town was way out in the country, but sort of near an air base.

At least once a month- while we were out gardening, or sitting in the shade eating peaches off the tree or homemade pudding pops- a plane would fly overhead and break the sound barrier. I remember exactly where I was standing the first time I heard it. I remember how my hot, humid skin felt as chills spread all over, how it frightened me just a little bit, and the sense of wonder and amazement that overcame me. It was an absolute thrill every single time, every single summer. Sonic booms are still one of my favorite sounds.

http://skito.tumblr.com/post/2742265739/throughout-my-childhood-i-spent-my-summers-in

An excerpt from a friendly blog project I am participating in: http://january1910.blogspot.com

2011-01-14T00:54:00.001-08:00

Luxurious Thursday comes every week. The first of two full days working from home- every week. One place, at my pace.
Always feels like hooky. Always refreshing- even though I’m working.

I can’t really remember the weather today, but this evening a thick fog is descending slowly upon us. Walking around downtown after Tron 3D at the Esquire, I feel like I’m IN Tron. So black and misty. No, maybe Ghostbusters- there’s City Hall, and the ancient Library- the tops of the buildings slowly disappearing. Crows fill the treetops, as numerous as the leaves of summer, standing out starkly, eerily against the spotlit historical buildings- and I feel thankful to have this night.

Yesterday, the contracts, and today the loan papers. I’ve never seen so many papers. I’m feeling buried in papers, and I’m starting to become stressed that I will miss some tiny little important thing. I’m trying to keep my cool.

Listened to Obama’s speech in Arizona- just a speech about being a good human, doing right by the world. I know a few people who should give this a listen. Sadly, so many folks that could take it to heart will never hear it because they don’t like him. Why are politics so hateful and ridiculous?

Took the morning yoga class today, since tonight we met Uncle Duck, Evan, Julia & Jake downtown at Temple for warm beverages, and took them to see Tron 3D. It was our second time (1st time for 3D), their first, and I loved it even more this time- even more in 3D! Not normally my preference- maybe it was IMAX that made it so rad. Evan flies back home to Denver tomorrow, and I’m glad we got two good nights with him this trip.

Farewell 2010! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

2010-12-31T12:08:00.000-08:00

“All others at some point found something in themselves pitted violently against something in the world around them. With those of my year this point often came when they grasped the fact of the war. When they began to feel that there was this overwhelmingly hostile thing in the world with them, then the simplicity and unity of their characters broke and they were not the same again.

Phineas alone had escaped this. He possessed an extra vigor, a heightened confidence in himself, a serene capacity for affection which saved him. Nothing as he was growing up at home, nothing at Devon, nothing even about the war had broken his harmonious and natural unity.”

—
From “A Separate Peace” - John Knowles
One of the last paragraphs of the last pages of the last book I’ve read this year. I finished it in the middle of last night. The entire book was incredible, but this, the end, really spoke to me. I have suffered a tremendous amount of loss this year, and in the midst of the suffering have learned so much about myself and others I hold dear. So much of what I’ve learned has been heartbreaking, but there has been a surprising amount of positivity, thankfully.

So, on this last day of 2010, here are the good things I’ve learned about myself this year:

I am more resilient than I ever imagined.

It is actually possible to live by the Golden Rule- it’s not just a cliche. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes opens your heart and mind in ways that are incredibly healing.

Compassion and forgiveness come effortlessly, maybe as a result of the above state of mind.

I was afraid of the sadness and weight of death- until I helped someone die on their terms, and it was beautiful.

Four of the worst things that have ever happened in my life happened in 2010, and yet, I am still strong enough and present enough to take good care of myself and those I love, content, positive, hopeful, pragmatic, and full of love. I am not broken. I have not been broken!

I can turn even the most bleak of circumstances into a positive learning experience.

I know myself. I am solid, stable even as chaos swirls around me.

I can look anything steadily in the face, with anyone. Accept it for what it is and move forward in productive and positive ways. I am not afraid- of conversation, of confusion, of feelings of desolation or anger.

I do not need an escape mechanism. I am perfectly comfortable being present with all sorts of emotions. But I do need some quiet time alone with my thoughts, and a few good folks to lean on.

I found that you can let all sorts of negative emotions wash all over you and recover from it better off than if you had suppressed them. That it’s okay to go all the way there. You come away with a better perspective, more reliable ‘tools’ to face the next inevitable wave, and a deeper understanding of what you are capable of.

There are so many negative, desperate realizations that have come to light, but I need to leave it at the positive- move forward from here into the new year. The rest will sort it itself over time, aided by these positive points of myself.

Love.

Coppolas

2010-12-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year when I suddenly want to watch all the Wes Anderson and Sofia Coppola movies.
It must have something to do with reflection; the year's passing.

I found myself on a little internet trail just now- which reminded me that I love Roman Coppola, too, and informed me that Sofia has 'Somewhere' coming out in two days. Perfect.

What I love:

Sophia- absolutely everything about her
Jason Schwartzman, a cousin
not Nic Cage, also a cousin (unless it's Raising Arizona or Wild at Heart)
Virgin Suicides
Lost in Translation (Dana is in Tokyo, and I watched this last night)
Marie Antoinette
Roman, who directed CQ, and helped out on a couple of Anderson films
Frances Ford- I can't begin to list all that I love, but I am craving a solid block of the Godfather trilogy now, yes

Something about the way these movies feel. Seems so familiar...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0nPSy1-UXE

2010-12-13T22:40:00.000-08:00

I have always assumed this love would end tragically. It's the chance I've taken falling in love with an impulsive, fatalistic, bipolar depressive (who happens to have an endless number of loveable, admirable qualities). I've always imagined a fiery death. Not necessarily an actual fire, but all the drama a fiery death implies. And me, left here on this earth wthout him.

We have finally reached the foreshadowed (I refuse to believe I manifested this) fiery death scene. But, by some strange twist of events, I think we can move forward from the drama, the wreckage, and the death of only parts of the man. The parts that needed to be killed we gladly feed into the flames, and we're clinging tightly to the raw goodness, love, and positive aspects of our relationship.

The first part we will kill is the one that has been saying since day one that he will only hurt me.
The second part to kill will be the one that has never felt worthy or deserving of my love. The self doubt and self loathing HAVE to go. Those two alone, gone, will remove the bulk of negativity hanging over us- those two that doomed our chances, and ultimately, became a self fulfilling prophecy.

I could speak of the phoenix, but these particular thoughts and ideas were borne from a recent desire to burn up the past. I have the strongest urge to put old papers into the sink and light them, as if I were 18. I'm not even sure what old papers, but in my mind I actually have enough for a bonfire. A big winter bonfire. Clearing the way for a fresh, clean start.

2010-12-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

It is incredibly hard to concentrate on the task in front of me at any given moment. My mind drifts and wanders.

Everything seems exaggerated. Those tiny, common moments of hope, sadness, frustration, contentment that are present always in varying degrees, are magnified- felt stronger, last longer. Feel incredibly important instead of fleeting.

I'm lost in thought. I'm searching, searching.

I can't seem to exhaust my mind, and so I exhaust my body in hopes of putting my mind to bed with my tired muscles... I can't sleep anyway, and day after day exist in this all out exhausted state. And yet, I press on, insatiable, unrelenting.

But I'm somehow more pleasant than usual. More forgiving. I have a clarity of mind that drives my interactions- being fully present in the world, offering up my best self. How could I ask this of someone else, and not of myself?

But I do wish I could sleep.

a ceremony, a celebration, a thing or two to remember

2010-12-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

Happiness in marriage is forming a circle of love that draws together the whole family. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow and pursue the common search for the good and the beautiful. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is BEING the right partner.

(short pause)

And now William would like to read a poem by ee cummings

(Will reads poem)

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

any experience, your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me

though i have closed myself as fingers,

you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and

my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,

as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals

the power of your intense fragility: whose texture

compels me with the color of its countries,

rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes

and opens; only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

Thanks Will!

And now, let us get down to business.

(short pause)

VOWS

(to couple) Please face each other.

In the presence of your family and friends:

Will you, Dana, take Ski to be your friend, your lover, your wife? Do you promise conversations and jokes together, mutual rendering of good services, the reading together of sweetly phrased books, the sharing of nonsense and mutual attentions? Will you love her and comfort her, and cherish all that she is and will be, from this day forward?

(I DO)

Will you, Ski, take Dana to be your friend, your lover, your husband? Do you promise conversations and jokes together, mutual rendering of good services, the reading together of sweetly phrased books, the sharing of nonsense and mutual attentions? Will you love him and comfort him, and cherish all that he is and will be, from this day forward?

(I DO)

RING EXCHANGE

(Will coughs up the rings)

(to Dana) Please repeat after me:

With this ring I embrace the bond of love that has brought us to this day and will forever hold our hearts together in constant and mysterious grace. With this ring I thee wed.

(to Ski) Please repeat after me:

With this ring I embrace the bond of love that has brought us to this day and will forever hold our hearts together in constant and mysterious grace. With this ring I thee wed.

By the power vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you husband and wife, friends and lovers- Mr. & Ms. Fantastic!

(Kissy face: Greg presses play on boombox for recessional music: recessional)

weird, restless dreams

2010-12-02T23:09:00.000-08:00

these days...

I wanted to get one of the strangest, most vivid, down:

Home, some home. A bit more rustic that my usual style. There were things, not unpleasant, that happened before the strange end of the dream began. I don't remember those parts.

Dana and Jack were home with me. I was working on a project on the dining room's wooden floor. Dana was behind me in the kitchen; Jack was in the adjoining living room, also involved in a project on the floor. We were all pleasantly chit chatting. For some reason, I put my head down on the floor- in fatigue, most likey. I felt a pull from under the floor, toward the near wall- as if there was a magnet under there, and my head contained metal. It startled me, and I jolted up. With this action, the pull disappeared. Only briefly. As I sat there, a bit scared, the pull began to scoot me cross-legged across the floor. In a panic now, I tried to stop myself by grasping at chair legs. But soon, I was to the wall, and then... And then I don't know what. I felt a strange sensation. I stood up and ran over to Dana to ask if he had witnessed the strangeness. As I did so, I noticed Dana and Jack's conversation sounded muffled. I started to talk to Dana, but he did not seem to hear. I touched him, and he startled. But he could not see me, or hear me. I ran to Jack and embraced his face with my hands, in a panic. He made the most disturbing, startled face- but again, looked right through me. I thought I might be trapped in some sort of dimensional bubble, but then I had a great fear that I had died. That I was a ghost. I thought that it might be soon enough after to death to revive myself, and so I set about the task of waking myself up, to make sure I was not, indeed, dead. It took me quite sometime after waking up to convince myself that I was still alive.

Some days are heavier than others/putting it all out there/a meditation:

2010-11-26T10:47:00.001-08:00

Something as simply kind as this note from a friend can carry me through the toughest moments.

S--,

You are a sweetheart. I know your hurt is big right now but I know your strength is bigger. You and D--- are good folks and we love you. And of course we love J--- too. I have always respected and admired your mothering of your son. And what a wonderful young man he is becoming, thanks to you and D---. Be proud Mama and don't let other people and their misguided thoughts about how one should display their grief and hurt diminish what you and your family have- what you and your husband have. A lot of people just can't understand because they don't have what you have.

Many blessings to you on this Thanksgiving.

Love,

J----

Find me the Prettiest Picture

2010-11-20T20:38:00.000-08:00

I typed that into Google and this was at the top of the page:

Well, yeah.

Light Listener

2010-04-09T13:16:00.001-07:00

light listener
Originally uploaded by Skito

Jack is a tiny little nerdler. A science brained rad friend.
This little thing that he (and Dana) built for science fair lets you listen to light. It's amazing, and so are they.

Time for the Yearly Post!

2010-03-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

nah, not really.
not yet, anyway.

Tear Your Guts Out vol. Infinity

2009-02-24T10:25:00.000-08:00

Only Love Can Break Your Heart- Neil Young
If Not for You- George Harrison

I also really like this version of the song:

Mostly for the moves at around 1:44. And for for the rest of it, too, yeah.

This blog is a cop-out, I know.

oh, here

2008-04-17T13:00:00.001-07:00

http://skito.muxtape.com/

Thinking About Food

2008-04-13T22:30:00.001-07:00

or, things about me and food that people are baffled by or generally make fun of ::::::

I do not like these foods/drinks that every other person in the world likes:
cake, and especially not frosting
french fries (or really, anything fried, or oily, or heavy)
pizza (unless it's homemade with, like, pears on it or something)
ice cream (BUT I will totally go out for ice cream with you, because it's old fashioned, and will prolly order a lemon sorbet. OR, I will totally eat homemade ice cream! AND, I like gelato-- rose petaly or chocolaty, but mostly I love sorbetto.)
popcorn
pancakes/waffles or really any breakfast foods besides cold cereal
coffee--- you do not want me anywhere near caffeine...
peanut butter and jelly
spaghetti
beer
wine
milk chocolate
bananas
--- I will eat any of these, tho, if that's what is desired by the people I am with, because I know these are difficult distastes to get around. With the excpetion of coffee, popcorn, fried foods, bananas and wine-- NO WAY.

I know there are more...but I'm bored with this!

Tear Guts Out vol.what?

2008-04-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

Phone Call
Jon Brion

Maybe the most perfect song ever?
Short, sweet, a little bit happy, a little bit meloncholy.

summer highlights

2007-09-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

As I anticipate my favorite season, autumn-- the great relief from hot hot heat-- it's nice to look back at the best parts of warm weather:

(Disclaimer: I was without my compy for the entire summer, so most of my photos are on Dana's c. and not available to me right now... I guess this is just a highlight of the highlights.)

Miner's Foundry> NC> a brief reunion of old friends rarely seen

American River Parkway> Jack's first ride on the new mtn bike he saved up for months to buy

Lake Tahoe> a weekend getaway with the Mintuns

It's amazing how much I love this machine just because of the way it makes my husband and son feel.

Foresthill Divide> Jack out on his first singletrack ride with experienced and happy-to-teach cousins.

Foresthill Divide> So proud of his accomplishments and the bumps and bruises from the grueling ride.

Boat Party 2007> Andrea, Rich, Ski, Rochelle

Boat Party 2007> a fine place to relax

Boat Party 2007> gorgeousness & fun all in one

Boat Party 2007> Elias, Ski>> a little corn cob dancing is never a bad idea

Rough & Ready, CA> Fruit Jar Pickers!!!!!!!!!!! (Every Sunday morning from 10-12)

the Good's happy home> NC> Miguel, April, Jack, Bob, Rich> lots of this action this summer. best spot ever.

Lee & Ro's place> NC> oh wait, maybe THIS is the best spot ever. Good naps and pie baking!

Sunsmile Farms> GV> Andi, Ro, Peaches!

Sunsmile Farms> GV> Ski, April, Peaches!

Sunsmile Farms> GV> Jack, Peaches!> a popular destination this summer, for obvious reasons....

Lee & Ro's Place> NC> April, Ski> where peaches and blackberries become pies

Bear River> Hwy. 174> We couldn't get enough of this spot... right by Dana's studio, and never a soul there but us!

Carmel Valley, CA> Amelie!

Carmel Valley, CA> Jack, Dana, Amelie> wrasslin'

Carmel Valley, CA> Jack, Dana, William> dude day

Carmel Valley, CA> Ski, Jack, Dana, Amelie, William, Alicia> We like this cabin livin'!

Salinas, CA> Alicia's cousin Larry has a great cabin and amazing cars

Salinas, CA> Dana & Jack took the DeLorean for a spin. Yes, we'd like one, please.

The Good Place> NC> Rich, Ro, James, Andi, April> here we are again!

the Good place> NC> Lee, Dana, Miguel> men of leisure

Rough & Ready, CA> April, Jack, best dog ever> seriously!

Rough & Ready, CA> April & the nicest, most beautiful dog

Station to Station> GV> J tries out D's new g

Yuba River> NC> Jack, April> the last dip?

Home> Jack> homemade peach ice cream! also featuring figs from our tree, ready to get jammed!

Just what I needed:

2006-06-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

These dudes. My house. Love all around.

(Simon Carrie Rich Adam Andi Ski Dan Neal Rochelle Lee Dana Alison)

What is good in life right now.

2006-04-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

Let's start another disaster.

2006-04-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have been having so many bad dreams lately. Some are nightmares, some are just not good feeling. Dana has also had a rough time in dream world lately. He has actually been yelling out in his sleep. I have been sleeping in the bed with this man for 14 years, and NEVER has he yelled out in his sleep, now it has happened three times in two weeks. Something is very strange here.
I had a very dark dream this morning, though it never felt unpleasant. It doesn't feel unpleasant now, either, but the imagery was very bleak, and very beautiful. I was riding a bicycle with my mother and maybe one of her sisters alongside, with a full sized Jack curled up tiny in a backpack on my back. We were not in our town. There was a storm looming in the distance, and I was trying to beat it home. At some point, I left the ladies behind and was racing into the storm on my own. The sky was black and low, and the rain hurt, it was coming down so hard. There was lightning touching down all around me, and I was weaving in and out of it. I realized I would never make it all the way home, and that I was very near an elementary school that I was familiar with because of relations with my school. I knew a teacher there, and I knew she would let Jack and I hang out til the storm cooled. When we arrived at The Kennedy School (this school does not exist, as far as I know), Mrs. Daniels (it was my first grade teacher!- but in this dream she was the mother of one of my actual real life co workers??) was kind and kept us company. Jack was never actually pulled out of my backpack, he just stayed curled up in there, comfortable and safe, for the entirity of the dream. As time went on, I felt I was in the way at the school-- the hall was very narrow, and for some reason I kept finding myself standing in it, being bumped into. I was in and out of rooms filled with bright blue maps on the walls, but always ended up cramped back in the hallway. Then I started to get a bad vibe from Mrs. Daniels. I noticed the storm had passed, and cut outta there. I set off on foot-- I have no idea what happened to the bike-- up a hill toward home. I had my camera in my hand. I noticed a gorgeous sunset scene through a break in the trees on the opposite side of the road. Turns out, I was walking along the edge of a deep valley, and on the other side of the valley were very tall and snowy mountains. I stopped to take a picture of the million blues of the mountain dusk, and suddenly one of the mountains became a violently erupting volcano. I switched my camera to movie mode, and stood there forever watching on my LCD the hot lava bury the valley. It was pitch black dark, except for the red glow, and I stood there thinking it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Eventually, I resumed my trek up the hill, and wondered at my absence of fear throughout the ordeals of the evening.

The Tearing Out of the Guts v.4

2006-03-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

These songs also make the list:

Legal Tender -- B-52's -- this song is SO HAPPY. And SO PERFECT.
Love Will Tear Us Apart -- Joy Division -- Until recently, I forgot how much I love Joy Division, and especially this song, which I have been listening to about five times a day. Usually right after I have listened to Legal Tender ten times.
In the Morning of the Magicians -- Flaming Lips --I had this on the first list, but removed it for some reason. It really needs to stay. It's been on rotation at work for over a year, and STILL every time it comes on, I stop and bask in the glory of it.
Dreams -- Fleetwood Mac -- This song has been coming around a lot lately.
Space Oddity -- David Bowie -- Jack's been pulling out the Bowie records, and he thought his favorite song was Starman, but last night he rediscoverd this one-- which happens to be my fave. Cute, because I was about Jack's age when I fell in love with this song. We just sat in wonder, listening.

and as long as we're going there...

Fame -- David Bowie -- This one floors me every time I hear it because my first clear memory of dancing is to this song. My parents were heavy into music, and spent a great amount of time collecting and listening to records (We eventually built a special room in our house for listening to music, and also to contain the thousands of albums we had.) They would stay up really late spinning records, and I would try to keep myself awake to hear all the wonderfulness. One late late night when I was about 5, I was so moved by Fame, I jumped out of bed and started dancing around my room in the moonlight.
Ashes to Ashes -- David Bowie -- I'm obviously hooked on Major Tom. This was the first video I saw on MTV, in what, '80? '81? Again with this one, it's the visual memory that keeps it so close to my heart. I was simply blown away when I saw this on the television.

I really could go on and on and on with the Bowie, because I have literally a lifetime of favorites, but I'm going to stop.

In fact, I should just make a few of these lists based on songs that were tearing my guts out when I was a little one, and on up through the years. I can still see, and feel and smell, all those records in my mind. I sure wish my mom hadn't lost them when she divorced my stepdude. She tried so hard to keep them, too. And I sure wish I could've gone back to Texas and collected all of them when he died last year. Those records were all he was ever good for.

I really miss the records.

OH MAN! Dana just turned me on to this, just right now, which is just about the funniest thing we have ever seen! (HINT: Have someone read, or yell, it outloud to you!)

What I need.

2006-03-21T21:30:00.000-08:00

a bbq with my crew. love and food and total amazingness.

Ut-oh.

2006-03-21T21:16:00.000-08:00

While reading the latest ish of my favorite mag last night, I looked up to the right corner of the page to check the time. CHECK THE TIME. ON A MAGAZINE PAGE. I think this is a sign that I do too much internet reading.

I think I'll go right now to start that sewing project I've been drawing in my head. I should maybe also consider doing a bit more of this:

A funny taste in my mouth, and a tryyped out head zone.

2006-03-17T22:35:00.001-08:00

I just got home from an MRI. A scan of my head/neck/top o' my bod to see why the heck I haven't seen much improvement since the car accident last summer.

While waiting oh so patiently to go to my appointment this late evening, I had visions of a massive Kubrick 2001 meditation zone. It was definitely NOT THAT on the outside, but the inner zone was better than expected. It was tiny-- I have no idea how they get anyone bigger than me into the tube-- so I HAD to keep my eyes closed to keep my claustrophobia in check. I was in for a total of 30 minutes. The scans were done in lengths of 1, 3, or 5 minutes. Each scan started with a 'clap track', basically, which was totally amusing. And then EPIC SOUNDS began. I know a handful of total dujas that could have made the best songs ever out of these sounds, if they could only get a mic in there. It would start with short tones, one above my head, and then one by my right ear, and then one from the vicinity of my left shoulder blade, etc. Then, the beats would come. There were at least three layers of beats at any given moment, some muffled as if from the outside of the machine, some sounding like the surface of the machine was knocked and also some very close internal tiny taps. Literally layers. On some of the scans, a very large and loud sound would surround me- sometimes like a weather warning speaker, or a riding lawnmower, and then smaller sounds that seemed like the machine breathing would come in underneath. The big sounds would drone on for the length of the scan, and I would get lost in the layers, like some hardcore ambient masterpiece.

Nothing that I'm saying even comes close, sadly.
I WAS INSIDE THE MACHINE. I COULD FEEL THE SOUNDS IN MY BODY. IT WAS SOOOO LOUD. DEEP DEEP TRYYPS. I felt so heavy and droned when they pulled me out of there. I really liked it a lot. Best show I've been to in awhile.

See http://news-reader.org/article.php?group=sci.med.radiology.interventional&post_nr=2041 to find out a little bit about where the sounds come from...

laugh riot

2006-01-08T19:22:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad li'l d is back in town, cos I need as much of this as possible:

View this clip on Vimeo

warm wishes for a wonderful winter

2005-12-16T23:09:00.000-08:00

I made this little collage to tell you as much.

whoa! wow!

2005-12-02T23:49:00.000-08:00

desert dreamscapes

2005-11-29T22:17:00.000-08:00

I spent four days in the desert, and every night I dreamt about water.

Old Las Vegas in the evenin'time

2005-11-25T23:28:00.000-08:00

Or: New Vegas Ain't Got Nothin' on the Old:
Or maybe: You Might Be Able to Tell From These Photos That
Geometry Was One of My Favorite Subjects:

It's all in me.

2005-11-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

Caddo Indian Mound in Eastern Texas
Originally uploaded by Skito.

I was raised in a beautifully decrepid farmhouse in a one road town in rural Arkansas. Also on this very long road which ended at Dooley's Ferry on The First Old River, were sugar cane fields, Caddo Indian burial mounds and the remnants of an African American community that had been established at the end of the Civil War. I had a playmate down the road who lived in a dirt floored lean to with her large extended family. I remember all of these things feeling very, very heavy to me as a child. But I also felt this sort of enchantment, this sweet deep spirit of the land. These are my first clear memories, and most favorite times, of childhood. It's so crazy to be so far away from those times, in so many ways, and look back and realize that not much has changed-- still so much heaviness for the heart and head, but also so many beautiful spells to fall under.

Let's all move in together.

2005-11-11T19:22:00.000-08:00

Finished Laptop Jam For Ski Taylor
Originally uploaded by YACHT.

These darn whirlwind weekends. Not really enough quality time, but some definite golden moments. I've got this nice picture and a radical jamm on my laptop to remind me of the awesomeness. BROZE blazed thru-- it was brilliant and heart-sweet. Kyle (Little Wings) blazed thru in his mellow way last night, as well, and we talked a bit about the harshness of seeing friends so briefly when touring, and the difficulty of going deep when pulled in so many different directions at once and having to drive away so soon. We talked about how emotionally draining that can be. I had not really thought of it from that perspective- of the traveler- to do that night after night. I had only thought of: the anticipation of seeing people you like so much, who will play you nice music in addition, of having enough time to take it deeper- but it actually turns out to be super stimulation maybe overload and lack of sleep fuzzyheadedness, and finally a few quiet moments where I finally feel 'settled in' to the vibe of not often seen friends, and 'warmed up' (It takes me awhile to warm up)... BUT IT'S OVER! Poof, gone. The departure leaves me elated, and giddy dizzy. So many good feelings, but mixed in with the sadness of not enough time. Of never enough.
Maybe it's not always the way. Kyle and I were able to sort of have a fulfilling conversation because he had volunteers load out his gear for him. Heh! Then we traded information so that we could 'really visit' soon. And Dana called a few nights from his recent tour sounding totally connected with the crew he was rolling with. But then, maybe that was the part where he was in the same town for, like, three days. And, of course, when he came home it was all about a plan of making time to travel up and 'really spend some time'... My friend Corey is touring now, too, and was in Sacramento last night for all of three hours, maybe, saying, "We have to run, but please, please come up to Seattle soon for some quality time..." Reflecting on these words spoken, tours are a teaser, as far as I can tell. Now then, Rich, and occasionally his wife Andi, have been staying with us all week long because he and Dana are studio bros, and this is DEFINITELY the way to go. Plenty of time! For settling in and getting comfortable and having lots of lovliness.
I'm happy to have ANY time with friends, no matter how fleeting, that's true. But I sure do wish I could have forever with each/all of my friends. I request of the universe....

GO SEE THEM!!!

2005-10-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

I love these BROS (http://www.deathraymusic.com/radicalbros.html), and these BROZE (http://www.audiodregs.com/brozeowntour/ or http://www.teamyacht.com/live/ (here you can check the amazing teaser movie)). Do yourself a HUGE favor, and check all these brothers out.

Camera=broken.

2005-10-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

So sad. So sad. I accidentally busted my camera. I really wanted a new, more pro options camera, but this was not the way to go about it. We just got a new video camera, a very fancy one with a very fancy camera inside, too, but I have not really checked it out yet. It's better than my other camera in every way, but it is so big! It's video camera size! I was really looking forward to slimming down a bit, if possible. And Dana and I were so excited to have a camera for each of us, for times like tour times, and out of town studio times. Times when he needs a video camera, and doesn't mind an extra large still camera. So of course, I break my camera right before he leaves for tour. Our luck with these things is amazing. Amazingly lame.
All of this is probably not worth a blog entry, but I TAKE SO MANY PICTURES!!! I AM HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME WITHOUT MY CAMERA. It's such a major let down, daily, hourly, to see a picture to shoot, and then... oh...oh yeah......
And Halloween is coming! If YOU could only SEE how rad Jack looks in his alligator costume! etc, etc...
I guess I could be a good American and just put a new camera on the card. But that seems so excessive when I have a perfectly good OVERSIZED camera sitting in my closet, waiting for me to fall in love with it. Honestly, I have a harder time with spending the money than I do with being without a camera.
I actually feel a little better about the whole thing now. Maybe I just needed to 'vent' a bit. I think I'll pull the other dude out tomorrow, and see what that giant is all about. And start saving my bills for something a little smaller later?

That's the time...

2005-10-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the sun in the early morning in the country at my friends Rich and Andi's house. It is the dreamiest place to be. One of my favorite places to be. I am housesitting while they enjoy some New Mexico. And this weekend I am here with Dana, with no Jack, which sweetens the story. My mother is tremendously generous to have taken our dear little talking dude for the weekend. Occasionally, I need to wake up in the morning and not be a parent. Not listen to so many questions and discovered facts about the world, not help structure someone else's morning- just move along at my own pace and follow my own whims. A rare and very satisfying luxury. And later, when Dana wakes up, we will see where the day takes us like we did in the before times. See how we interact and really tune in without having to divide our attentions. When our family comes back together on Sunday, it will be a refreshed resuming. Jack will be on the sweet high only a group of days with your favorite gramma can give you. Peace and positivity all around.

So Andi has this ancient and fascinating book called the Fortune Telling Birthday Book. She got it for her birthday recently, and we read it to each other after a small lovely group of us had a yummy birthday picnic. This is the book that inspired the previous entry of tight personality calls. But this book is the real stuff, truly; dead on and succinctly stated, and now that I have it in my paws again, I present:

*JACK*
With your musical and artistic ability, you seek the friendship and society of those who appreciate and love these things. You are both admired and popular among your friends and associates. You have an affectionate nature and, when you marry, you are assured of complete happiness and contentment.

*DANA*
You are too fond of taking a chance and should curb this tendency, as it will bring you unhappiness and restlessness. You waste precious efforts and energy in following that desire. You enjoy music and art and like children, and your home is very dear to you.

*SKI*
You profit more by experience than by foresight. You are perservering and faithful, and adversity does not deter your ambition or change your plan of work. You are friendly and like attention; in love, you are steadfast and devoted.

I like us a lot.

Things that make me laugh:

2005-10-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

http://www.catesgarage.com/food/scandale.html
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

oh gawd.

How can so much of this be true? Where does this stuff come from?

2005-09-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

You can find my two cents between these *...*

Dana = MAY
Stubborn and hard-hearted *he's a total tender heart, come on*. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered *impatient, definitely, but 'angered' is a little extreme*. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally *oh yes indeedy!*. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck *throat*. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing *I guess if you count allergies as weak breathing*. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling *don't we all?*. Dislike being at home *this also may be an extreme statement, seeing as how he loves to stay in*. Restless. Not having many children *who needs more when the first is the amazing Jack?!*. Hardworking. High spirited *I'm going to have to think about this one*. Totally BADASS. Best person you'll ever meet! *TOTAL!*
_________________________________

Jack = JUNE:
Easy to talk to. Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas *so many ideas*. Sensitive. Active mind *never stopping*. Hesitating, tends to delay *soooo sloooooow* . Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous *so silly and hilarious and sharp*. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind *who?!*. Talkative *that's why we call him 'Little Talking Dude'*. Daydreamer *all the day long*. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding *the dude abides*. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt *please don't hurt him*. Prone to getting colds *not so far*. loves music *total rocker*. pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up *in dove shorts*. Easily bored. Fussy * we call it 'particular'*. Seldom shows emotions *this is not true*. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

_______________________________

Ski = JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive *I think they might mean 'closed up' or 'unrevealing' as far as inner workings go, because I most definitely have a VERY HARD TIME keeping secrets or surprises*. Difficult to fathom and to be understood *am I?*. Quiet unless excited *which is almost all the time* or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation *??!!*. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings *overly?*. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable *I'm not sure about this one. see 'hungry'*. Moody *only if I'm hungry* and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times *something I'm very self conscious about-I try really hard not to get so excited that I spaz out*. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical *that's nonsense!* and unnecessary things *true that*. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking *more like 'keeps busy'*. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone *also loves to be with close dear folks as much as possible*. Always broods about the past and the old friends * someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but I really don't think I'm a brooder*. HOT *well, yeah*. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved *again, don't we all?*. Easily hurt *yes* but takes long to recover *as long as it's being talked about and/or worked through, I bounce back quickly. But if a hurt is left unresolved- I'll carry it forever, unfortunately*.

Treasure Spot

2005-08-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

aaaaaahhh, Astoria.

Poor Sacramento

2005-08-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

So dissed, all the time.
Sacramento, I love you, too. In a sort of slow and comfortable way. In a sort of safe and connected way. Before we were bound here by Jack's wonderful school/my rad job, it was only our dear and amazing friends that kept us around. And my mom, and Dana's grandmother- sweet, happy things like that. And then Dana suddenly had his own business that depends on his established reputation, and I suddenly had a job that isn't leavable under present circumstances, and the friendships have gotten deeper and lovelier... and years have gone by and we still haven't moved to Portland, or anywhere, for all of these excuses and more. But, Sacramento, you're just the right place for right now. Right? You feel pretty good. You're getting better all the time. Folks that have been lurking for years are finally stepping up and making businesses NOT directed at state workers and farm workers and sports fans and fancy ass governors. Places for the rest of us to go. Kindred spirits. It's going to get really awesome, right? I'll do everything I can to make it so.
This is our place now, and I am content with that. Except when it's 108 outside. Our time somewhere else will come. Who knows when... Who knows what will happen, ever?

Still crushing after all this time.

2005-08-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

City of Portland and Portland Friends: I love you. MEGA CRUSH!!! I really have it bad for you.

It has been almost 7 years since I last visited Portland, a city which 7 years ago, I only stepped into for 4, maybe 5, whirlwind wonderfun weekends. That town really sunk it's claws into me, in the nicest nicest way. And by 'town', I mean the quality and quantity of happenings that I am interested in, the beauty, the progressiveness and maybe most importantly, the folks. Good, good, good folks, that I honestly can't get enough of. I have been trying to get back there all this time, and finally, in yet another whirlwind weekend, Dana and I were able to make the trip. I did some really really fun stuff, actually in Astoria, and Dana did some really sad stuff that was sort of fun, too, and this morning we met up to tell our respective stories and head back home. Let me say that it was a hard ride. We were full of emotion from our times and friends, and then also we were so overcome with the reality of being locked into Sacramento: We cruised the town a bit before we hit the freeway, teasing ourselves, trying to hash out ways that we could make living in Portland possile... and let me just tell you here now, that I cried when we pulled out of there. I wasn't too sure if Dana would make it without a tear, but he avoided that situation completely by laying his seat back and falling right to sleep- after a few head shakings of disappointment and some heavy sighs. I didn't mean to cry, but I was looking around at the beauty and thinking about the wonderful places (and when I say 'places' I'm actually talking about something much deeper) my life hasn't taken me, but then also all the wonderful places it has, and suddenly I had some tiny puddles spilling themselves onto my face. Just a few, and then it passed. And I thought, when this day is over and I step in my very own front door, it will all be a dizzy beautiful blur-- but it is crystal clear to me right now, every joyous minute of it. And the small sad moments, too.

Portland, you are a neverending dance frenzy inside my heart. Portland old friends and new: SO MUCH LOVE.

It's been too much.

2005-08-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

Well.
I've had some moments since last I posted where I thought I had something to say. But all in all, I have been much too tired and overwhelmed to even begin to open up and lay it down. I can say it all quickly now, and come back to it later. Because I need to come back, and think and process and hash it out. Out of my mouth and out of my fingers. Maybe not here? I don't know yet.

Here IT is:
I was in a big and truamatic car accident. I am hurting and slightly freaked. I am dealing with it all quite well externally, but that doesn't mean I'm not constantly thinking about, and constantly drained by it. I lived through a month where nothing else happened for me but straightening out the accident. It wasn't my fault, but I did see it coming. When I said I lived through a month where nothing else happened, I meant nothing else but my favorite grandmother dying. My favorite Mammaw. My most favorite person of all time died two days after the accident. I have been so busy straightening out the accident, that I have put my mammaw and my crushed heart at the bottom of the list. I can't go there now. It's really, really complicated. More so than you can even begin to imagine.

There are so many things that we don't know about people. People that we interact with every day; people that we call friends. For instance, a lady I work with every day decided today to speak a bit of poetry to her favorite coworker, who is leaving to become a nun in Mexico. There's one thing: I never knew this second lady was even religious, and now she is leaving to become a nun. Really intense and beautiful. Then there's this: The first lady, the one with the poem, was the most engaging orator I have ever seen or heard. She was literally the most beautiful poetry or story speaker I had EVER SEEN. She had so much emotion in her voice and in her face, and her hand and body movements were like a dance. She is from Panama, and spoke in Spanish. Most of us had no idea what she was saying, but we were all sobbing. Overcome by her hidden talent, and how much of herself she was willing to share with us. To expose. I have never seen such a heart come out of a mouth before. From this woman who is so controlled and hardly speaks of anything but practicalities. HOW CAN WE EVER KNOW HOW MUCH BEAUTY IS INSIDE? Or, sometimes, ugliness. Everyday people. With things inside that we will never know about. Hidden by the everydayness of it all. Hidden by just trying to get along with one another; just trying to relate.

And these are the complications of which I speak. To think about my dear mammaw, I have to take a long and true look at some parts of myself that are mine alone. Some things that have been tucked away and not presented to the general public in a very, very long time. Which doesn't necesssarily mean I have to go there by myself, but... I'm too numb from too much all at once to go there yet.

So. here's a framework, for me to revisit, and try to get all the ideas a little more clear in my head and heart.

But there's this: It is silly and brilliant:
An email my son spent a very long time typing out, and put A LOT of thought and heart into:

**Hi simon weller you in for som rad stuf that you going to lov becaus you might lov in the hom and som stuf lik that you and som stuf that you might lov and I might talk with you in no tim so you might want to go on a rid with me and I might lik that well I no it is that if you want**

Which is all I intended to post in the first place, before I was overcome by long explanations of a short month.

Lookie!

2005-06-28T22:16:00.000-07:00

It's me and my hubs! He's making some beautiful sounds, and I'm going to help him out with my newly learned and ever evolving skills on the keys... You can have the music here http://www.observatoryonline.org/.

For those of you in death metal bands...

2005-06-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

Jack has your bio ready.

We were listening to pleasant Sunday eveningness on WNYU, when they quite unexpectedly played a crazy super heavy growly sort of metal song. Jack said, "Whoa! It's like a big ferocious lion scatching to get in at the door." Totally.

How will you use your life?

2005-06-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

There is a mural in Midtown Sac that asks this question. Jack and I were walking past it a couple of weeks ago- he read it aloud and answered, "Playing, learning and loving." Wow, little dude.

Tear/Guts v.3

2005-05-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

You Can't Always Get What You Want- Rolling Stones
You've Got to Hide Your Love Away- The Beatles -- This one reminds me every time of John Lennon's death, and how the news of it crushed young me, and how much I miss having him in our world.

xo

9 am is when the morning becomes the day.

2005-05-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

...This is what Jack said to me this morning when he let me sleep from the everyday hour of 6am, to the very luxuious hour of 9 am. "You slept in so so late, mama." "Hm. Thanks for letting me. It's only 9 o'clock, though! That's a very normal time to wake up, I think." "No. It's practically the middle of the day!" "Actually, it's as far from the middle of the day as it is from our regular wake up time. Count it and see." "Oh. Yeah. Well then, 9 am is when the morning becomes the day. Let's get going."

Super Fam

2005-05-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

Captain Mama is the superhero name given to me by my little duder, Jack. He has given me others: Frame Girl, Rope Girl, etc, but they are each attached to a specific scenario. Captain Mama is a bit more flexible- good for any and every situation. So bring it on! And if I can't handle it alone, I'll just round up my sidekicks, 1980 Boy and Dr. Meat.

I'm only doing this to avoid folding the laundry.

2005-05-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

Tear Out Your Guts Song List v2

Steppin' Out- Joe Jackson
In My Darkest Hour- Lee Bob Watson -- All the words get caught in my throat when I'm belting it out, and then tears just run right out of my eyeballs. Ro and Lee, man. Two beauties right down to their very cores. I love their love.
Be Thankful for What You've Got- William DeVaughn -- Seriously.
Bonita Applebaum- Tribe Called Quest -- Now, while I can remember EVERY album and song that was in Dana's disc changer the first time I ever went to his house so so many years ago-- this one really really gets me. Maybe because we were pretty well lit by the time it came on, and getting all silly on this one with a boy (then) that I barely knew but was madly in love with ... well, even my guts get to grinnin'.

Yeah.

Precision and Love In a Shiny Swiss Machine

2005-05-04T21:01:00.000-07:00

Meet the new addition to our projector family, Ms. Beautiful Bolex. I met this wonderful machine at the estate sale of James and Helen Hunt, and I knew at once that I had to have her. She was resting, just a peek of shine showing through a white leather zipper bag, next to a tidy pile of guidebooks for the 1964/65 New York World's Fair. All amazing artwork and architecture of said books was forgotten entirely as I unzipped her case, all aquiver with the excitement of having found a rare gem, and at the luck of a price just above free.

An hour earlier, I had fallen in love with James and Helen Hunt. Right in their very own garage. In amongst the tables and tables of various holiday decorations and all manner of bridge night accessories, I had almost given up when a shoebox full of yellow Kodak boxes caught my eye. Then I saw the camera- an Electric Zoom 8 in mint condition, in a snappy little case! With more boxes of film underneath! UNUSED 8mm FILM!!! Oh, what glorious bargains and bits of history had I stumbled upon?! Now, I found it incredibly romantic that these priceless artifacts were ACTUALLY KEPT IN A SHOEBOX, and that is when I fell for the Hunts. There, hunched over the tiny shoebox full of reel after reel of their 'home' movies. I say 'home', because the next thing I saw was a table full of maps, postcards, guidebooks and travel itineraries from around the world. From around the '60's world; the most beautifully designed world. Hong Kong, Sweden, B.C., Hawaii, France, Australia, an extended holiday in Taiwan-- just like Ro and Lee! and April and Miguel! and countless other sweet lovers, I am sure-- Suddenly, it all came together in my mind: the cards, the decorations, the endless serving trays and utensils, the trips... The times they must have had with their family and friends! Man, I felt so much happiness and love of life standing in their garage. Talk about vibes! I could not wait to get home and travel the world with James and Helen. And Dana! Oooooooooooooo, Dana. He was gonna love the goods as much as me, maybe more, only without all the squealing and shivering. Or maybe he squeals and shivers on the inside. At any rate, that was half the excitement in my happy heart-- knowing that Dana would find it all amazing, too, and have the time of his life with the camera and the film.

AND THE PROJECTOR!! A complete package.

Thank you, James and Helen Hunt. Thanks for taking such good care of yourselves (you lived forever!) and your things. We love your movies and your good times.

Settling in Softly with Songs

2005-05-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

My sweet lady Alison has a nice little blog, and in it, she has compiled a list of songs that 'tear her guts out' everytime she hears them. I'm swiping her idea right off the screen, because she is brilliant, and because music is a constantly amazing part of my life. And also, a list of songs is a nice way to ease into this little blog o' mine.

So, guts, are you ready?

These I share with Al:

This Will Be Our Year- The Zombies -- Because, oh man, it really will be this time, I just know it.
The Only Living Boy in New York- Simon & Garfunkel

These I came up with all on my own:

Days Gone By- Deathray -- A beauty, with more honesty than I can bear.
Settin' the Woods on Fire- Hank Williams -- There is not a trace of sadness in even the most remote parts of my heart when this sweet tune's a'playin'.
1 Gymnopedie- Eric Satie -- It's never taken so few notes to fill up a heart.
When You Notice the Stripes or New Slang, whichever it's called- The Shins

This will do for now, as I am trying to hold myself to a 'decent' head-hitting-the-pillow hour. Really, I don't HAVE to feel like so much grog in the morns; I do have control over that, right?

Get into these songs. FEEL ME.

Saturday night

2005-04-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

Friday night
Originally uploaded by Skito.

On this particular evening, I found myself surrounded by dear old friends- stuffing our faces full of lovely treats, laughing ourselves senseless into the wee hours. Sometimes everything is just right.

What am I getting myself into?

2005-01-24T20:22:00.000-08:00

All this so I can add comments to 'members only' blogs? If that's not Lovester, I don't know what is...

Hi!