Farewell 2010! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

“All others at some point found something in themselves pitted violently against something in the world around them. With those of my year this point often came when they grasped the fact of the war. When they began to feel that there was this overwhelmingly hostile thing in the world with them, then the simplicity and unity of their characters broke and they were not the same again.

Phineas alone had escaped this. He possessed an extra vigor, a heightened confidence in himself, a serene capacity for affection which saved him. Nothing as he was growing up at home, nothing at Devon, nothing even about the war had broken his harmonious and natural unity.”

—
From “A Separate Peace” - John Knowles
One of the last paragraphs of the last pages of the last book I’ve read this year. I finished it in the middle of last night. The entire book was incredible, but this, the end, really spoke to me. I have suffered a tremendous amount of loss this year, and in the midst of the suffering have learned so much about myself and others I hold dear. So much of what I’ve learned has been heartbreaking, but there has been a surprising amount of positivity, thankfully.

So, on this last day of 2010, here are the good things I’ve learned about myself this year:

I am more resilient than I ever imagined.

It is actually possible to live by the Golden Rule- it’s not just a cliche. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes opens your heart and mind in ways that are incredibly healing.

Compassion and forgiveness come effortlessly, maybe as a result of the above state of mind.

I was afraid of the sadness and weight of death- until I helped someone die on their terms, and it was beautiful.

Four of the worst things that have ever happened in my life happened in 2010, and yet, I am still strong enough and present enough to take good care of myself and those I love, content, positive, hopeful, pragmatic, and full of love. I am not broken. I have not been broken!

I can turn even the most bleak of circumstances into a positive learning experience.

I know myself. I am solid, stable even as chaos swirls around me.

I can look anything steadily in the face, with anyone. Accept it for what it is and move forward in productive and positive ways. I am not afraid- of conversation, of confusion, of feelings of desolation or anger.

I do not need an escape mechanism. I am perfectly comfortable being present with all sorts of emotions. But I do need some quiet time alone with my thoughts, and a few good folks to lean on.

I found that you can let all sorts of negative emotions wash all over you and recover from it better off than if you had suppressed them. That it’s okay to go all the way there. You come away with a better perspective, more reliable ‘tools’ to face the next inevitable wave, and a deeper understanding of what you are capable of.

There are so many negative, desperate realizations that have come to light, but I need to leave it at the positive- move forward from here into the new year. The rest will sort it itself over time, aided by these positive points of myself.

Love.