Contentment

I have been turning this around in my mind lately... I have distilled a list of scenarios in which I am most full of joy and most at peace, simultaneously (in descending order, I'm fairly certain):

1. When I am alone.
2. When I am dancing.
3. When I am near water.
4. When I am driving.
5. When I am next to someone very dear.
6. When I am helping out.

and so on....

Wanderlust

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before... when we left for Portland a coupl'a weeks ago- straight from class- Jack bounded out of school, skipping and giggling and chanting,"road triiiiiiiip!!! portlaaaaaaaand! ROAAAADD TRIIIIIIIIIPPPP!!" He sat up front and chatted about our surroundings in a much more inspired way than usual, helped find a delicious Indian restaurant for dinner, and navigated any turn offs or side trips (he was bestowed the honor of map keeper at a very young age, and takes great pride in the responsibility). Today, we spent a good while perusing highlights for our upcoming road trip to Texas- swimming holes, tiny towns, and endless choices of cabins- and I realized at one point that we were both sitting on the edge of our seat, smiling the biggest stupidest grins, and just simply giddy over the possibilities for adventure. It is important to note that Jack is cool as a cucumber- a very joyful child, but rarely acting in any excited way. Road trips are one of the few things that bring this side out of him.

He had the fate of being born into a family with some serious wanderlust- we hauled him up to Tahoe when a few weeks old, dipped him in the ocean in Carmel at 3 months, camped halfway across the country and back when he was barely one year old, let him go on numerous "Grammy" vacations away from us for weeks at a time as early as four years old, and we haven't stopped since. No one could have ever guessed how well he would take to it (from the start, a very easy traveler)- and boy were we ever warned about how crazy we were and how dumb of an idea all those trips were with a baby, a toddler, and so on... As we sat together today all a'flutter, I was overcome with joy to see this part of myself in my son. What a love to share! I'm so glad I went with my heart and didn't stop short of early travels out of fear of the unknown, fear that it might be difficult. Day tripping and longer summer road trips were a favorite part of my own childhood- many Sunday drives sparked by the thought,"I wonder what we'll see today?" Passing it down, with pride.

Golden - 20 on the 20th! And a happy spring to you...

TWENTY YEARS today with my tall drink a'water!







Sort of unbelievable- and not because of the fair amount of bullsh*t we've both dumped into the relationship (keeping it real)- but because we were just KIDS, and now we're sooooo NOT KIDS, and to have evolved this much, individually and together, is something my naive 18 year old self could have never imagined. So thankful for the plentiful amazing highs, and for the lows that have challenged each of us to question everything and bring our best selves to the table- and for all the sweet, sweet, uneventful days in between. So thankful to have created such a stellar mini-us, and so thankful for our dear collection of friends and family that have always been there to keep us laughing, love us, and lend a hand or a shoulder. My heart celebrates. Cheers, Dana!

Runway Houses City Clouds

I have a ‘creative’ job involving writing, photography, and minor video projects- and while immensely satisfying and fairly inspiring, the work is rather narrow in scope. I’ve noticed a trend recently, in that at the end of what is usually an intense deadline cycle, I am overcome by this surge- a counterbalance- this need to dig into my own creative coffers- the ideas piling up in the back of my mind- and produce my own work, just for the fun of it. Stories about nothing and everything flow, and photo subjects are more thoughtfully considered. Ever more dances are choreographed in my mind (though these are not as readily brought to fruition), and it is not uncommon for some portion of my, or someone else’s, home to receive an overhaul. My cooking and baking gets a bit more experimental, and I’ve got spare ideas for friends and loved ones, too- box sets and podcasts and books to be made- to name a few of the latest spontaneous endeavors and inspirations. These flurries usually add up to a trail of little looks, but I hope this is a warm up of sorts, eventually leading to accomplishing some of the bigger projects that have been tucked away, evolving over time in the back of my mind.

It would seem, after all this talk, that I would have a really impressive THING to present, but I just took a little time away in my head tonight to make a tiny little scene I’ve wanted to capture for a couple of months. It’s certainly no big deal, but it’s impressive to me that I actually made it happen. That something inspired me, and I actually produced a piece of ‘work’ from that inspiration, instead of letting it continue to rattle around in my head for all eternity. Just keep making things. Little, big, personal or public, just make. Take a break and make! It probably only means something to me, but maybe you’ll like it, too.

Last autumn, on a flight home from Texas, I was in that unique headspace I get into when I leave. I get twisted up and sentimental in the act of leaving- leaving a friend’s house after dinner or leaving a town I just happened to vacation in, with no conceivable emotional attachments- it’s there, just a hint of that feeling, no matter what. When I leave a place I happen to be really attached to, or folks I happen to be really attached to, or both, I’m a grand wreck. So, I hopped on a plane to leave Texas- a place I have very mixed emotions about, after probably one of the most positively epic journeys of my life so far- and settled into staring out the window. I’m a pensive girl, so this was default behavior for me, but in this particular instance, it was a desperate attempt to divert the spectacle of the breaking of the dam. To further aid distraction, I put in my headphones and pressed ‘shuffle’.

Rising up out of Austin at dusk, we came over seemingly endless clouds, most of which were sparking with lightning. I was transfixed; it’s one of my favorite sights, so rarely seen. In a moment that forever confirmed my suspicions that my iPod is eerily extra-intuitive, Runway Houses City Clouds by Tame Impala began to play. “But don't remind me of home, there's everywhere I'd rather go. It's true that some things have to change. And don't remind me of home, or I might notice where I am. It's true that some things have to change. I know some things have to change. I’m gazing out the window, as I ascend into the sky, but I'm the one who's left behind. There is nothing that is safe. I know some things have to change. Yeah, I do. But don't remind me of home, in case it isn't quite the same.” In that moment, I wasn't sure whether ‘home’ was California or Texas- maybe I'm still not sure.

I somehow had the presence of mind to remember the camera I had been lugging all over the state but had neglected to put to any good use, and I just sat with the music and the lightning and filmed until we were long past the cloud cover and all was black. My heart felt lighter, and my head felt clearer. It was just one tiny moment in time, this is a tiny moment in my story; this video is just a tiny portion of what was captured. This is a way of collecting moments.

Today, while observing a student working in one of the classrooms, she looked up and upon seeing me smiled and said, "I was wondering, what is that light shining over me, and it was YOU!" My heart!

Thanksgiving is every day.

Today, I am thankful that even though some friendships have ended quite roughly, the ending, for me, has not colored the years of amazing experiences we had together. Looking back, it all still looks and feels beautiful and fun, as it truly was, before it all went terribly, terribly wrong.

Old pictures still bring a smile or a laugh, though they are tinged with a bit of bittersweet. I am thankful to not have a blanket emotional reaction based in hurt or confusion that pretends nothing was ever good, because it was- up to a point. That would be a lie, and I don’t want to carry a lie in my heart.

Gina & Jessica

The first photos are starting to come in, after re-connecting with some long lost stepfamily a few weeks ago.

It’s been a pretty emotional and exhilarating journey thus far- to have this part of my past unexpectedly open up. After my Texas Odyssey, I was riding high on past friendships and love that had splendidly and beautifully withstood time, space, and neglect- so this is like the icing on the cake. Or the crust on the pie, in my case, as I am not too much a fan of cake.

This cousin, Gina, has offered all of my Mammaw’s photo albums to me. This is a teaser.