Farewell 2010! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

“All others at some point found something in themselves pitted violently against something in the world around them. With those of my year this point often came when they grasped the fact of the war. When they began to feel that there was this overwhelmingly hostile thing in the world with them, then the simplicity and unity of their characters broke and they were not the same again.

Phineas alone had escaped this. He possessed an extra vigor, a heightened confidence in himself, a serene capacity for affection which saved him. Nothing as he was growing up at home, nothing at Devon, nothing even about the war had broken his harmonious and natural unity.”

—
From “A Separate Peace” - John Knowles
One of the last paragraphs of the last pages of the last book I’ve read this year. I finished it in the middle of last night. The entire book was incredible, but this, the end, really spoke to me. I have suffered a tremendous amount of loss this year, and in the midst of the suffering have learned so much about myself and others I hold dear. So much of what I’ve learned has been heartbreaking, but there has been a surprising amount of positivity, thankfully.

So, on this last day of 2010, here are the good things I’ve learned about myself this year:

I am more resilient than I ever imagined.

It is actually possible to live by the Golden Rule- it’s not just a cliche. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes opens your heart and mind in ways that are incredibly healing.

Compassion and forgiveness come effortlessly, maybe as a result of the above state of mind.

I was afraid of the sadness and weight of death- until I helped someone die on their terms, and it was beautiful.

Four of the worst things that have ever happened in my life happened in 2010, and yet, I am still strong enough and present enough to take good care of myself and those I love, content, positive, hopeful, pragmatic, and full of love. I am not broken. I have not been broken!

I can turn even the most bleak of circumstances into a positive learning experience.

I know myself. I am solid, stable even as chaos swirls around me.

I can look anything steadily in the face, with anyone. Accept it for what it is and move forward in productive and positive ways. I am not afraid- of conversation, of confusion, of feelings of desolation or anger.

I do not need an escape mechanism. I am perfectly comfortable being present with all sorts of emotions. But I do need some quiet time alone with my thoughts, and a few good folks to lean on.

I found that you can let all sorts of negative emotions wash all over you and recover from it better off than if you had suppressed them. That it’s okay to go all the way there. You come away with a better perspective, more reliable ‘tools’ to face the next inevitable wave, and a deeper understanding of what you are capable of.

There are so many negative, desperate realizations that have come to light, but I need to leave it at the positive- move forward from here into the new year. The rest will sort it itself over time, aided by these positive points of myself.

Love.

Coppolas

It's that time of year when I suddenly want to watch all the Wes Anderson and Sofia Coppola movies.
It must have something to do with reflection; the year's passing.

I found myself on a little internet trail just now- which reminded me that I love Roman Coppola, too, and informed me that Sofia has 'Somewhere' coming out in two days. Perfect.

What I love:

Sophia- absolutely everything about her
Jason Schwartzman, a cousin
not Nic Cage, also a cousin (unless it's Raising Arizona or Wild at Heart)
Virgin Suicides
Lost in Translation (Dana is in Tokyo, and I watched this last night)
Marie Antoinette
Roman, who directed CQ, and helped out on a couple of Anderson films
Frances Ford- I can't begin to list all that I love, but I am craving a solid block of the Godfather trilogy now, yes

Something about the way these movies feel. Seems so familiar...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0nPSy1-UXE

I have always assumed this love would end tragically. It's the chance I've taken falling in love with an impulsive, fatalistic, bipolar depressive (who happens to have an endless number of loveable, admirable qualities). I've always imagined a fiery death. Not necessarily an actual fire, but all the drama a fiery death implies. And me, left here on this earth wthout him.

We have finally reached the foreshadowed (I refuse to believe I manifested this) fiery death scene. But, by some strange twist of events, I think we can move forward from the drama, the wreckage, and the death of only parts of the man. The parts that needed to be killed we gladly feed into the flames, and we're clinging tightly to the raw goodness, love, and positive aspects of our relationship.

The first part we will kill is the one that has been saying since day one that he will only hurt me.
The second part to kill will be the one that has never felt worthy or deserving of my love. The self doubt and self loathing HAVE to go. Those two alone, gone, will remove the bulk of negativity hanging over us- those two that doomed our chances, and ultimately, became a self fulfilling prophecy.

I could speak of the phoenix, but these particular thoughts and ideas were borne from a recent desire to burn up the past. I have the strongest urge to put old papers into the sink and light them, as if I were 18. I'm not even sure what old papers, but in my mind I actually have enough for a bonfire. A big winter bonfire. Clearing the way for a fresh, clean start.

It is incredibly hard to concentrate on the task in front of me at any given moment. My mind drifts and wanders.

Everything seems exaggerated. Those tiny, common moments of hope, sadness, frustration, contentment that are present always in varying degrees, are magnified- felt stronger, last longer. Feel incredibly important instead of fleeting.

I'm lost in thought. I'm searching, searching.

I can't seem to exhaust my mind, and so I exhaust my body in hopes of putting my mind to bed with my tired muscles... I can't sleep anyway, and day after day exist in this all out exhausted state. And yet, I press on, insatiable, unrelenting.

But I'm somehow more pleasant than usual. More forgiving. I have a clarity of mind that drives my interactions- being fully present in the world, offering up my best self. How could I ask this of someone else, and not of myself?

But I do wish I could sleep.

a ceremony, a celebration, a thing or two to remember

Happiness in marriage is forming a circle of love that draws together the whole family. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow and pursue the common search for the good and the beautiful. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is BEING the right partner.

(short pause)

And now William would like to read a poem by ee cummings

(Will reads poem)


somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

any experience, your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which i cannot touch because they are too near



your slightest look easily will unclose me

though i have closed myself as fingers,

you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose



or if your wish be to close me,i and

my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,

as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending;



nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals

the power of your intense fragility: whose texture

compels me with the color of its countries,

rendering death and forever with each breathing



(i do not know what it is about you that closes

and opens; only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands



Thanks Will!

And now, let us get down to business.

(short pause)

VOWS

(to couple) Please face each other.

In the presence of your family and friends:

Will you, Dana, take Ski to be your friend, your lover, your wife? Do you promise conversations and jokes together, mutual rendering of good services, the reading together of sweetly phrased books, the sharing of nonsense and mutual attentions? Will you love her and comfort her, and cherish all that she is and will be, from this day forward?

(I DO)

Will you, Ski, take Dana to be your friend, your lover, your husband? Do you promise conversations and jokes together, mutual rendering of good services, the reading together of sweetly phrased books, the sharing of nonsense and mutual attentions? Will you love him and comfort him, and cherish all that he is and will be, from this day forward?

(I DO)

RING EXCHANGE

(Will coughs up the rings)

(to Dana) Please repeat after me:

With this ring I embrace the bond of love that has brought us to this day and will forever hold our hearts together in constant and mysterious grace. With this ring I thee wed.

(to Ski) Please repeat after me:

With this ring I embrace the bond of love that has brought us to this day and will forever hold our hearts together in constant and mysterious grace. With this ring I thee wed.



By the power vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you husband and wife, friends and lovers- Mr. & Ms. Fantastic!

(Kissy face: Greg presses play on boombox for recessional music: recessional)

weird, restless dreams

these days...

I wanted to get one of the strangest, most vivid, down:

Home, some home. A bit more rustic that my usual style. There were things, not unpleasant, that happened before the strange end of the dream began. I don't remember those parts.

Dana and Jack were home with me. I was working on a project on the dining room's wooden floor. Dana was behind me in the kitchen; Jack was in the adjoining living room, also involved in a project on the floor. We were all pleasantly chit chatting. For some reason, I put my head down on the floor- in fatigue, most likey. I felt a pull from under the floor, toward the near wall- as if there was a magnet under there, and my head contained metal. It startled me, and I jolted up. With this action, the pull disappeared. Only briefly. As I sat there, a bit scared, the pull began to scoot me cross-legged across the floor. In a panic now, I tried to stop myself by grasping at chair legs. But soon, I was to the wall, and then... And then I don't know what. I felt a strange sensation. I stood up and ran over to Dana to ask if he had witnessed the strangeness. As I did so, I noticed Dana and Jack's conversation sounded muffled. I started to talk to Dana, but he did not seem to hear. I touched him, and he startled. But he could not see me, or hear me. I ran to Jack and embraced his face with my hands, in a panic. He made the most disturbing, startled face- but again, looked right through me. I thought I might be trapped in some sort of dimensional bubble, but then I had a great fear that I had died. That I was a ghost. I thought that it might be soon enough after to death to revive myself, and so I set about the task of waking myself up, to make sure I was not, indeed, dead. It took me quite sometime after waking up to convince myself that I was still alive.